Dear Mom and Dad

Over the past 18 years, we’ve gotten to know each other pretty well, but in the past couple of months I feel like we finally understand each other much better than in many previous years.

Sadly, I feel that even though I live with you and have spent more time with you than with anybody else on earth, we have a lot of trouble communicating. I have a lot of trouble putting my thoughts and feelings into words a lot of the time and I feel like you demand a lot of words from me, so things can get tense.

I said that the past couple months have been better, and they have, in my opinion. I speculate that college applications gave the three of us a common goal to work towards, and so we’ve bonded. I am grateful for these months of peace; I can’t forget the years of war.

Here, on the keyboard, where I feel anonymous, I can take some responsibility. I know that the fights and silent treatments were my fault. There are times where I wish I had been different, but then again I don’t. I have to say that I like the person that I have become, and without my mistakes, without the anorexia, without the drugs, without the lies, I don’t think that I would have become this person. So yes, I admit some fault, but in reality, with voices and faces and emotions and contact, I’m just not ready to take full responsibility. I know I’m not ready because when I think about having this conversation with you face to face I still want to blame you. I want to tell you that you created me. That life wasn’t my decision. That it’s not my fault that eating disorders fun in the family, or that you created such a stigma around underage drinking you made it sound appealing.

But I really don’t want to say any of those things. I don’t consciously want to blame you. And so for now, I’m staying quiet. Until I reach a point where I can truly and sincerely say that I am thankful and grateful for each and every opportunity you have ever given me, and that I cherish your attention, I will stay quiet. I don’t know when I will be ready.  I don’t know when I will reach that point. I hope it’s soon, but please be patient.

Thank you

Frankl-y Speaking

I have this other blog drafted, never published (the stranger meaning one), and I started it out by saying that "for me, life is continuously being hungry. The meaning of life is not simply to exist, to survive, but to move ahead, to go up, to achieve, to conquer." Now, a month later and substantially wiser, I think that this statement is a bit too bold on my part. I still agree with some of it of course, especially the part about life being more than simply existing, but the accomplishment stuff is coming off as more grand than I see it as now. 

Now, I think that the achievements we strive for in life can be more softly stated. They need not be grand, overstated purposes, but anything, literally anything, that takes us from this moment to the next. 

Man's Search for Meaning is one of the best books I have ever read. Among other things, something that I really like about it is that Frankl takes care to show that his philosophy can be applied to anyone, in any circumstance. He edits himself to be more inclusive, clarifying that you don't need to have suffered to find meaning in life, but even if you have, you can still find meaning. Since his ideas are so inclusive, I extend it so say that everyone has the ability to live a life of meaning. 

Personally, I feel that my life has many meanings. My purposes range from simple pleasures such as dark chocolate and netflix, to more substantial things like dance, and finally to my biggest goal, to become an obstetric surgeon and work in Africa. While some of these may have a broader impact than others, I find that they are all important to me. 

Sadly, applying logotheraputic techniques to life is easier said than done. It can be very hard to remain optimistic in the wake of life's difficulties. Natural emotional reactions may seem disheartening, however there is really nothing like human resilience. History, both across the globe and in our recent memories, has shown me all of the things that people are capable of overcoming, and that knowledge alone is enough to inspire hope.

I love logotherapy's focus on the future. It is all about accepting the past, and moving forward. Recently in my own life a lot of my purpose has had to do with getting into college. While incomparable to life in a concentration camp, the sadness and emotional suffering that I felt when I received a rejection letter were very real. I allowed myself to mourn, and spent probably too much time wallowing. But since reading Man's Search for Meaning, I have been able to take steps to find new meanings in spite of my suffering. I'm not going to lie, it still hurts every once and a while, but knowing that I have the ability to actualize other goals in my life pushes me constantly forward.