Dear Mom and Dad

Over the past 18 years, we’ve gotten to know each other pretty well, but in the past couple of months I feel like we finally understand each other much better than in many previous years.

Sadly, I feel that even though I live with you and have spent more time with you than with anybody else on earth, we have a lot of trouble communicating. I have a lot of trouble putting my thoughts and feelings into words a lot of the time and I feel like you demand a lot of words from me, so things can get tense.

I said that the past couple months have been better, and they have, in my opinion. I speculate that college applications gave the three of us a common goal to work towards, and so we’ve bonded. I am grateful for these months of peace; I can’t forget the years of war.

Here, on the keyboard, where I feel anonymous, I can take some responsibility. I know that the fights and silent treatments were my fault. There are times where I wish I had been different, but then again I don’t. I have to say that I like the person that I have become, and without my mistakes, without the anorexia, without the drugs, without the lies, I don’t think that I would have become this person. So yes, I admit some fault, but in reality, with voices and faces and emotions and contact, I’m just not ready to take full responsibility. I know I’m not ready because when I think about having this conversation with you face to face I still want to blame you. I want to tell you that you created me. That life wasn’t my decision. That it’s not my fault that eating disorders fun in the family, or that you created such a stigma around underage drinking you made it sound appealing.

But I really don’t want to say any of those things. I don’t consciously want to blame you. And so for now, I’m staying quiet. Until I reach a point where I can truly and sincerely say that I am thankful and grateful for each and every opportunity you have ever given me, and that I cherish your attention, I will stay quiet. I don’t know when I will be ready.  I don’t know when I will reach that point. I hope it’s soon, but please be patient.

Thank you